Being alone at home makes things worse.

ab and eb went to school early in the morning,
mum dad and nai went to the wake to help out.
i'm left at home to do revision.

i woke up, and the house was all empty.
gong gong was the first thing that came to my mind.
i did many things, to keep myself busy so that i wouldnt think of stuffs.
turned on the computer, did some work.
then it started raining heavily.
was the sky crying for gong gong too?
i went out into the living room and sat on the sofa.
i was lonely, sad, and missing gong gong terribly on a rainy day :(

it is so hard to deal with death.
so hard, that i really feel like, i dont even know what i feel like.
it's just terrible.
i thought of yesterday again.
when i held his hand.
he used to respond by gripping me back,
but yesterday, he just laid there.
but he wasnt cold yet, there was still warmth.
gong gong, you can't hold me anymore now right?

mummy told me to order flowers from the flower shop for gong gong.
halfway through while talking to my colleague,
i find myself choking on my words.
it's so hard to even talk about it that i just cannot control.
i just cannot talk about it normally, cos everything just floods back when i say it.
even now as im typing i feel terrible.
but i need to let out everything.
i'm just so sad.

i try to stop when the thoughts come back,
i try to hold back my tears,
everytime they drop, i console myself and tell myself that it's alright,
i should be happy for him that he's finally free.
but then the whole cycle will just repeat cos i can't help feeling sad.
i guess i really need some time to get over it.
sigh.

gong gong i didnt dream of you last night.
how i wish we'd be holding hands in my dream.