August 3rd, 2008 Sunday

Gong Gong passed away this afternoon.

It came as a shock to all of us.
It was 4 plus in the afternoon, and I was showering.
We were getting ready to fetch mummy from work and then go to the hospital.
The doctor called in the morning, telling us that these 2 to 3 days are gong gong’s last few days.
So he told us to get prepared.
Little did we know that he’d pass on so soon.

I was bathing halfway, and eb shouted to me from outside.
She told me gong gong just passed away.
I thought I’d cry, but I didn’t.
It was so sudden, I didn’t even know how to react.
I just quickly finished my shower and came out.
My mind was a blank.
All I know was that, we were not there when he left.
The feeling of regret was overwhelming.
It’s always like that; we just don’t realize it until the thing happens.

After the fact set into my mind,
I started to realize that I’ll not see gong gong anymore.
It was the end already.
Then I started to tremble, I was shocked too.
But as I was cleaning up and when I held my clothes and everything,
My hands trembled.
But still I didn’t cry.
The tears just didn’t came.

We went on the car and were off to fetch mummy.
Many things were on my mind on the way there.
Childhood memories, my days at gong gong’s house as a kid, how he cared for me when I had chicken pox, when he taught me to play plastic toys, how he supported me at the school concert, gave me the mrt map cos I always lose my way, everything.
Everything about gong gong came to my mind.
It was then I started feeling lost and really sad.

Mummy was really strong.
It must have been a great blow for her, to know about this at work.
She didn’t cry too, even when on the car.
We were all just very quiet.

Daddy dropped us off at the hospital’s entrance and went to park the car.
We ran up to the ward, and gong gong’s bed was behind the curtain.
When I was approaching the bed, my heart and mind was a mess.
I didn’t know how to react.

Finally when I went in behind the curtain and saw him motionless,
That’s when the whole impact came.
We all just cried.
I grabbed his hands tight and cried.
I kept screaming for him but he just wouldn’t respond.
I finally accepted the fact that he’s gone.
I was devastated.

I clearly remember how impatient I felt just yesterday at his ward.
Because it was so humid and I was feeling grumpy.
I didn’t even bother to hold his hand and talk to him.
And now he’s gone.
For good.

Seeing po po cried so sadly, my heart hurts like mad.
Mummy finally broke down at the bedside too.
We were all crying so hard.
My eyes and stomach hurt so bad but I just couldn’t stop.
This is my first time having to experience the death of a loved one.
I thought I’d be happy for gong gong to stop suffering,
But it wasn’t so easy.

Uncle told us he died a peaceful death, without any struggles.
But still, I feel very very sad and regretful for not being there with him.
It's his 76th birthday this coming September 15th.
Yet he couldn't hang on.
Nevertheless, we can’t turn back time.
I just hope that gong gong can go to a better place where he’ll be happy and free.



It is said that, a person dreams 5 times every night.
Gong gong, I hope you’ll turn up in one of mine.
Rest in peace, and I LOVE YOU.