Music
All because of love.
Sunday, November 01, 2009 @ 8:49 am
Gooby keeps barking. Keeps.
I really don't know what is causing it; sometimes it really seems like he barks for no reason. But then again, I try to find reasons for it. Maybe he feels angry that we took away his pee tray to clean? Maybe he wants someone to play with him?
Ok fine, I go in to accompany him. Then the barking stops. He's slightly aggressive, but gets a bit better after I pet him and talk to him. Before I leave, I get him to sit down and be good. He did. But once I was out, he starts jumping and barking again.
It's so loud and aggressive. And in such early hours! At first I thought that if I ignored him, he'd get tired after a while. But he doesn't! Everytime he barks, I'd be very worried and wonder how does Daddy feel. I'm so afraid that he'll get rid of Gooby in the fit of anger. I think he hates him more and more, but I hope that he understands.
What if one day Gooby bites Daddy? He'll be so pissed that he'll fling Gooby against the wall and then he'll die. I must never let that happen.
But then again, Daddy is not entirely the bad guy. Sometimes when I let Gooby into the living room and play with him, Daddy looks at him and smiles. Sometimes, he even pets Gooby and carries him. But then sometimes, he'll stare at Gooby with disgust sneer at him.
Then when Gooby barks, he'll sit quietly in his room and read the papers, looking all stern and disturbed. Seems like he's really angry and trying to ignore Gooby. Then afterwards, he'll come into my room, pat on my head and ask me how come I'm awake so early. In a very nice tone. He knows, he knows I'm awake cos of Gooby. I woke up to pacify Gooby in fear of disturbing him. One moment he's pissed with the dog, and next, he all jovial joking with me. Is he trying to show me that he doesn't mind, when in his heart he hates it?
If not, why the different moods? I rather he express his dissatisfaction or something! Like tell me or something. I'm really confused about how Daddy really feels! :(
OH GOD.
Was it really a mistake to keep a dog? Despite this thought alway coming to my mind when I get frustrated with Gooby, I really really love him deep in my heart. I try to make sense of his behaviour, and I try to understand why he's behaving that way. I hope they understand too.
Perhaps I spoilt him too much.
I'm learning. If you love him, doens't mean you spoil him. I'm learning.
I will do it for the sake of the family. Don't my heart hurts seeing Eb losing sleep because of Gooby? Don't my heart hurt seeing Ab pushing him away? Don't my heart hurt when I hear Daddy call him "Bloody hell this thing".
My heart hurts even more when I slap him myself. :(
I really hate the family tension; and worse, "It's all because of the dog", like Eb said before. I think to myself, isn't keeping a dog supposed to bring the family closer together? Aren't we supposed to love him together, give him loving hugs, feed him loving treats, take him for loving walks, say loving words to him..
But apparently I painted too nice a picture for myself. Sometimes I wonder, why am I the only one doing all these? Not because I feel like the others don't have to "do all the work", but I'm just wondering, are they not part of this? Not part of the loving Gooby, that is.
Why do they only love Gooby when he's all cute and calm, but turn their backs on him when he gets grumpy? Maybe it's really not "We must all love him together".
Like Mummy said, "When someone in the house doesn't approve of him [Gooby], and the person is the head [Daddy], it's really hard to keep him [Gooby]"
Ok, to be frank, it's not "all happy and cute" like the photos you see. Yes, I love him, but I can't say the same for the rest. Daddy threatened to get rid of him when we shift, because "he's dirty, we don't have much room for him, he cannot behave himself, vet bills will be hefty in future.." etc. But can he see my effort in trying?
I cried in protest. I really didn't know how to react or what to say when I heard those words, but the feelings and fear in my heart was too strong for me to fight the tears. I really wonder if Daddy thought that way. And it breaks my heart.
From the first time, from the first time I carried Gooby in my arms, out of the pet shop, it didn't bother me if he was a clearance puppy, it didn't bother me if his owner didn't want to keep him. What matters most is that I'll love him from then on, no?
It didn't matter when he vomitted all over me, it didn't matter when he kissed and licked me with all the saliva. It was a long-term committment, and I'll love him long-term, till that day comes. Now, it's how to gain acceptance?
It's been 3 months; time really flies. When I see obedient dogs out there, I tell myself, "That's how Gooby will be next time." I wonder, "Don't all dogs obey their owners because they love them? Gooby will obey me because he loves me. One day he will."
But it seems like Gooby's temperament is not getting better. He starts barking crazily when someone walks past. But then sometimes he sleep soundly even if we talk and laugh loudly. It's always so erratic. But does that mean I'll give him away? Does that mean I have to get rid of him? NO.
Never, ever.
When I brought him back, I clearly remembering Daddy giving the nod. To me, Gooby wasn't a toy, it wasn't to pass time, not to make life less boring. To me, it was not "for trial", nor to "see whether having a dog at home is suitable".
Even if it's not suitable, I had it in mind to make it suit. I know, I'm in the process of doing that now, but how long is the process going to take?
I still look forward to the day when we can both laze in bed together, when he'll fall asleep in my arms, walk beside me at the park, sit beside me when I do my work.
No matter how long it takes, I know that day will come. Ok, maybe I don't, for now, but I believe it will.
All I want to say is, "Gooby, even if it's you and me, we don't give up. We don't. And I love you."
But do you love me?